Sniff Petrol has obtained a secret first draft of the remarkable press release put out by Lotus to deny current speculation about the state of the company.

Take a little look at what we found online (see left). Don’t you think it’s funny? We do. We had a good old giggle. After all, we love a bit of self belief. Although it’s funny, this one’s not accurate but then again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The inconvenient truth is – surprise, surprise – we have never said that there are no lunatics at Lotus.

So whilst lots of people obviously feel the need to comment on Lotus’ current situation in the absence of proper facts or evidence, we can’t ignore these particular mistruths any longer even if we would like to, so we have decided to turn a negative into a positive and use this hilarious piece of ‘arse’ to set the record straight regarding the status quo at Group Lotus and try to return a little stability to a fast changing situation.

False rumour #1: Dany Bahahaha is no longer taking his tablets.
Fact: Rubbish – Dany Bahahaha still is.

False rumour #2: Dato’ Sri Syed is no longer struggling to release himself from the ropes that tie him to the plastic chair in the cupboard.
Fact: Again rubbish. He still is.

You can thank good old Tony Fernandes for these two. He is out to get us. He is. Last night we heard a noise outside and when we went to look there was no one there. We couldn’t see him but we know it was Tony Fernandes. He is like a fat fox. Perhaps he is frustrated because he owns a Formula 1 team instead of doing the smart thing and just giving his name to various racing teams and then realising he hasn’t got the money to pay for all this shit.

And whilst we’re on the subject of jokes – do you know the latest F1 joke? My dog’s got a stepped nose. How does it smell? It doesn’t. It’s a Formula 1 car. Can someone explain this to us please?

Speaking of F1: It seems that one special so called ‘independent’ source is at the root of the lion’s share of damaging rumours and misleading stories. The delightful Joe Saward which leads us nicely to….

False rumour #3: Joe Saward has a helicopter that can fly to the sun.
Fact: Helicopters cannot fly to the sun.

And unlike some, we don’t want to get too personal, but Joe Saward is a gaylord and he looks stupid in any kind of hat.

False rumour #4: Group Lotus is no longer involved in F1.
Fact: Lotus F1 Team and Group Lotus have rearranged their living room so we can both watch F1 in comfort. We just need to get some money off Genii so we can buy a Sky subscription. In return, they can have the factory. We don’t want it any more anyway. The reception area smells weird.

False rumour #5: Group Lotus is going into administration.
Fact: Rubbish. Administration is a type of succulent plant found in dry regions of southern Europe. How could a company with no money left afford one of those? We couldn’t. Oh. Bollocks.

The simple fact is, and we haven’t denied this – Lotus is going through a very difficult phase at the moment but we are totally over you, okay. Do you understand, we don’t miss you at all. It’s over. We’ve moved on. In fact, we’ve got a date next week with someone we met recently. It’s none of your business who. Do not try to call us. Also, we want that Dido CD back.

ENDS

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story….

Take a little look at what we found online. Don’t you think it’s funny? We do. We had a good old giggle. After all, we love a bit of self irony, just as well really. Although it’s funny, this one’s not accurate but then again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The inconvenient truth is – surprise, surprise – we have never said that there are no problems at Lotus.

So whilst lots of people obviously feel the need to comment on Lotus’ current situation in the absence of proper facts or evidence, we can’t ignore these particular mistruths any longer even if we would like to, so we have decided to turn a negative into a positive and use this hilarious piece of ‘art’ to set the record straight regarding the status quo at Group Lotus and try to return a little stability to a fast changing situation.

False rumour #1: Dany Bahar is no longer CEO of Group Lotus.
Fact: Rubbish – Dany Bahar still is.

False rumour #2: Dato’ Sri Syed is no longer Managing Director of Proton.
Fact: Again rubbish. He still is.

You can thank good old Tony Fernandes for these two. Don’t take everything he tweets too seriously – perhaps he’s still frustrated about owning Caterham instead of Lotus and the fact that he fights HRT and Marussia instead of Mercedes and Ferrari in F1.

And whilst we’re on the subject of jokes - do you know the latest F1 joke? Mike Gascoyne, Caterham Group’s Chief Technical Officer, has gone missing. Why? He’s looking for the 30 to 40 points he predicted for the last F1 season. Funny.

Speaking of F1: It seems that one special so called ‘independent’ source is at the root of the lion’s share of damaging rumours and misleading stories. The delightful Joe Saward which leads us nicely to….

False rumour #3: Joe Saward is JUST an independent journalist.
Fact: He is an active Director on the Caterham Group Board.

And unlike some, we don’t want to get too personal, so we’ll leave it to you to judge how ‘independent’ his stories about Lotus are.

False rumour #4: Group Lotus is no longer involved in F1.
Fact: Lotus F1 Team and Group Lotus have reshaped their commercial relationship earlier this year. The new governance agreement signifies the continued commitment of Group Lotus to the team and the sport.

Group Lotus’ branding and marketing rights and subsequent activities remain unaffected by the new agreement until at least 2017. Alongside continued branding and title partnership status, Group Lotus is also the exclusive master licensee for all Lotus F1 Team merchandise.

The new agreement was reached following Group Lotus owners Proton providing team owners Genii with a £30m loan which is repayable within three years. In order to secure the loan Genii used 100% of the F1 team’s assets as collateral meaning that under the conditions of the loan agreement Proton have been given full title guarantee to all plant, machinery, show cars, computers, office and the Lotus F1 Team headquarters.

In addition Proton retains the rights to purchase 10% of the F1 team. Another 10% share option will be activated if the team default on their loan obligations with Proton.

Again we leave it to your judgement how ‘bad’ Lotus’ current situation in F1 is. And speaking of bad situations…..

False rumour #5: Group Lotus is going into administration.
Fact: Rubbish. The takeover of our parent company Proton by DRB-HICOM couldn’t have come at a worse time, but up until that point Proton was (and still remains) fully committed to our five year business plan to create jobs and to expand the factory and business. With the takeover process the funding has been restricted and DRB-HICOM is taking time to understand what to do with the business. DRB-HICOM is currently in the middle of due diligence of Group Lotus and there have been and continue to be positive discussions between Group Lotus senior management and senior management at DRB-HICOM both here in Hethel and in Malaysia. At no point has DRB-HICOM indicated to Group Lotus that it intends to put the company into administration. The over-active rumour mill is seriously damaging our business reputation, image and credibility but it is what it is.

The simple fact is, and we haven’t denied this - Lotus is going through a very difficult phase at the moment but we are showing true fighting spirit every day in trying to keep this vision alive. This is also a fact – no matter what people outside of Lotus may say or tweet or blog.

Mike Gascoyne ‏ @MikeGascoyne

Just landed in china, not missing but can't see Dany anywhere....

I'm on my way to the circui, unlike a lotus indycar engine apparently

And I'm in a car, enough said.....

Enough said on the lotus press release, I would normally ridicule them but they seem to be doing a good enough job on their own