The OFFICIAL Monaco and French Riviera Thread.
#1151
06-18-2016, 09:06 AM
Monaco Grand Prix
Historic
The Historic Grand Prix of Monaco
The story
This now prestigious classic competition was dreamed up for the 700th anniversary of the Grimaldi dynasty, 20 years ago, when each club or association tried to create a special celebratory event. The idea was to do something interesting that Prince Rainier loved, so the idea was born to create a GP F1 with vintage flavor but just for that year, but has staying power thanks to its success that perpetuated this event in the biennial calendar of the Principality, gaining in popularity year after year. More than 30,000 international fans that came to cheer the pilots, filled the tribunes and the adjacent terraces over the weekend breaking the record of the previous race in 2014.
A real sprint race and a voyage down memory lane, the Historic Grand Prix of Monaco was specially designed for worldwide collectors, sentimental enthusiast drivers, and zealous supporters of older day’s mechanics. A total of 230 legendary cars racing on a mythical circuit two weeks before the GP F1 celebrate the glory of other times. Among the 72 brands a Bugatti 35 from 1925 and other rare machines from Talbot, Ferrari, Lotus, Frazer, Nash, Gordini, McLaren, Jaguar. This real time travel experience into automobile history takes place in Monaco every two years, so the next one will be in 2018.
The Historic Grand Prix of Monaco
Historic
The Historic Grand Prix of Monaco
The story
This now prestigious classic competition was dreamed up for the 700th anniversary of the Grimaldi dynasty, 20 years ago, when each club or association tried to create a special celebratory event. The idea was to do something interesting that Prince Rainier loved, so the idea was born to create a GP F1 with vintage flavor but just for that year, but has staying power thanks to its success that perpetuated this event in the biennial calendar of the Principality, gaining in popularity year after year. More than 30,000 international fans that came to cheer the pilots, filled the tribunes and the adjacent terraces over the weekend breaking the record of the previous race in 2014.
A real sprint race and a voyage down memory lane, the Historic Grand Prix of Monaco was specially designed for worldwide collectors, sentimental enthusiast drivers, and zealous supporters of older day’s mechanics. A total of 230 legendary cars racing on a mythical circuit two weeks before the GP F1 celebrate the glory of other times. Among the 72 brands a Bugatti 35 from 1925 and other rare machines from Talbot, Ferrari, Lotus, Frazer, Nash, Gordini, McLaren, Jaguar. This real time travel experience into automobile history takes place in Monaco every two years, so the next one will be in 2018.
The Historic Grand Prix of Monaco
#1152
06-19-2016, 02:20 PM
Cannes Film Festival 2016
Security
Comments to the threat assessment
My first thought was: Cute. Was the purpose to make a fool of the French police??? Well I can tell you. They succeeded. Again.
In my previous threat assessments I have predicted this lack of real security. I have said over and over again that the French Police are amateurs. Did you see how they were running away from gun fire in Paris??? This time it was not for real, but this sort of PR stunt in today's political climate is nothing short of brainless. They should be taken to the cleaners for doing this. And Oraxy should be shut down before it's allowed to start up. Appallingly bad taste, bad judgement, thoughtless and disrespectful. This caused real fear to the people in the hotel, so it's actually a terror act in itself, someone needs to be jailed to set an example. Before long, one of these stupid stunts is going to lead either to an innocent person having a heart attack, or to one of the idiots involved in the hoax being attacked by courageous people keen to defend others. I hope it's the latter.
My respond: Why didn't security deep six that craft??? How did they get ashore in one piece? What lessons have actually been learned?
If the Security Forces were on the ball that boat would've been obliterated before it hit the shore. I would have fired warning shoots. Can't believe how Security Forces just froze and stared.
The mini analyze: They were dressed as soldiers, resembling French Special Forces. A terrorist organisation operating outside of their areas In Iraq/Syria would most likely be plain clothed when they commit atrocities. The lack of communication has been a problem also in the past. One part of the security organisation does not communicate with the other. The security forces maybe thought it was colleges from another agency.
On a side note: Eclipse is abramovich's super yacht. Even his private Russian security team didn't do anything.
About ORAXY: Absolutely unacceptable behaviour, they have to be severely punished.
French "Security" Forces.....the Gendarmerie Maritime
Security
Comments to the threat assessment
My first thought was: Cute. Was the purpose to make a fool of the French police??? Well I can tell you. They succeeded. Again.
In my previous threat assessments I have predicted this lack of real security. I have said over and over again that the French Police are amateurs. Did you see how they were running away from gun fire in Paris??? This time it was not for real, but this sort of PR stunt in today's political climate is nothing short of brainless. They should be taken to the cleaners for doing this. And Oraxy should be shut down before it's allowed to start up. Appallingly bad taste, bad judgement, thoughtless and disrespectful. This caused real fear to the people in the hotel, so it's actually a terror act in itself, someone needs to be jailed to set an example. Before long, one of these stupid stunts is going to lead either to an innocent person having a heart attack, or to one of the idiots involved in the hoax being attacked by courageous people keen to defend others. I hope it's the latter.
My respond: Why didn't security deep six that craft??? How did they get ashore in one piece? What lessons have actually been learned?
If the Security Forces were on the ball that boat would've been obliterated before it hit the shore. I would have fired warning shoots. Can't believe how Security Forces just froze and stared.
The mini analyze: They were dressed as soldiers, resembling French Special Forces. A terrorist organisation operating outside of their areas In Iraq/Syria would most likely be plain clothed when they commit atrocities. The lack of communication has been a problem also in the past. One part of the security organisation does not communicate with the other. The security forces maybe thought it was colleges from another agency.
On a side note: Eclipse is abramovich's super yacht. Even his private Russian security team didn't do anything.
About ORAXY: Absolutely unacceptable behaviour, they have to be severely punished.
French "Security" Forces.....the Gendarmerie Maritime
Hi @monacobodyguards,
really interesting assessment regarding what happened. Certainly you are a pro in that business so you can comment deeper what happened. To me it seems quite strange that nobody from local maritime was informed since, i tell you for my experience, any activity in the bay (especially a stunt act like that) has to be properly authorized. If now, well those guys have been quite lucky nobody shot at them! Especially in France, especially during this historical moment, and with those VIPs there at the moment (i.e. Eclipse)
Ciao!
really interesting assessment regarding what happened. Certainly you are a pro in that business so you can comment deeper what happened. To me it seems quite strange that nobody from local maritime was informed since, i tell you for my experience, any activity in the bay (especially a stunt act like that) has to be properly authorized. If now, well those guys have been quite lucky nobody shot at them! Especially in France, especially during this historical moment, and with those VIPs there at the moment (i.e. Eclipse)
Ciao!
Thank you Stefano!
#1153
06-21-2016, 03:27 AM
Monaco
Cars
Awesome pics, once again by my friend Kevin Stec..... He used to call himself "Kyter" but I encouraged him to use and brand his own name.
Since then he has not been looking back.
Pics by Kevin Stec
Cars
Awesome pics, once again by my friend Kevin Stec..... He used to call himself "Kyter" but I encouraged him to use and brand his own name.
Since then he has not been looking back.
Pics by Kevin Stec
#1154
06-22-2016, 06:30 AM
French Riviera
We are following AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental Abdullah Al Mansour and his infamous "Orange Harem".
Revealed
We have been looking a little more into the link between AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental and Abdulla al Mansour.
And we now know who they have been using for "security"......
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
We are following AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental Abdullah Al Mansour and his infamous "Orange Harem".
Revealed
We have been looking a little more into the link between AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental and Abdulla al Mansour.
And we now know who they have been using for "security"......
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
#1155
06-24-2016, 06:29 AM
Seems like you have some (professional ) experience..... Even you try not to say to much. And that you were present, at this after race party, only confirms that. Maybe you were working...
I guess that you are busy with the EURO 2016 now....
#1156
06-28-2016, 09:56 AM
Revealed
We are following AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental & Abdullah "The Orange Harem" Al Mansour .
Security
No, not a real bodyguard (he does not have the proper training - nor education) and is more like a personal assistant. He has also been working for/assisting the real owner of AAA....
He is a very very poor driver.... He has never owned a nice car himself and is not used to these luxury cars with lots of horsepower. But that all makes sense when I tell you he is from the French Police in Cannes. But he sure does like military stuff.... like his reference to "Ground Wave Emergency Network" (GWEN). Come on that was too easy for a colonel...
Even I know his true identity, let us humor him and call him what he prefers: Neugebauer.
The "security" of AAA and the "Orange Harem"
We are following AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental & Abdullah "The Orange Harem" Al Mansour .
Security
No, not a real bodyguard (he does not have the proper training - nor education) and is more like a personal assistant. He has also been working for/assisting the real owner of AAA....
He is a very very poor driver.... He has never owned a nice car himself and is not used to these luxury cars with lots of horsepower. But that all makes sense when I tell you he is from the French Police in Cannes. But he sure does like military stuff.... like his reference to "Ground Wave Emergency Network" (GWEN). Come on that was too easy for a colonel...
Even I know his true identity, let us humor him and call him what he prefers: Neugebauer.
The "security" of AAA and the "Orange Harem"
#1157
12-18-2016, 09:29 AM
Revealed
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
The owner - part 1
Sergai Pugachev
Sergei Pugachev whose riches Forbes magazine estimated at more than 2 billion euros at the peak of his wealth – fled Russia after claiming hostile interests were trying to seize his businesses. In recent time he has given interviews critical of President Vladimir Putin and the Russian political system. He was an associate of the former president Boris Yeltsin, and later became close to Putin, with a portfolio of interests across construction, banking and shipbuilding. He was also a senator, but his fortunes changed in 2010 when his bank defaulted on its debts and lost its license.
Until recently he remained an elusive, media-shy figure. He was known for his Orthodox Christian views. In 2007 he took over Hédiard, investing 100 million euros in the business, but was bought out by Austrian company Do & Co in June 2014. And in 2009 he bought the newspaper "France Soir" daily for 100 million euros but the evening paper closed three years later.
The chateux - the second house in Nice
A historic chateau in the lush hills overlooking the bay at Nice — a grand, white, Belle Époque pile that looks like a wedding cake. Pugachev bought this beautiful, five (very large) bedroom place, set in 15 acres of lawn, bougainvillea and palm trees, back in the Nineties. There are only two or three other chateaux of that era on the Cote D’Azur still intact. Elton John owns another.
Yet all this luxury comes at an ongoing price. The mansion requires dozens of staff to maintain it, paint it, guard it, clean its pool, polish its antique furniture . . . not to mention feed and tend to the whims of the privileged people who inhabit it.
The budget for that house alone is 1.2 million euros a year (around 23,000 a week).
London
Meanwhile, the couple’s main residence, two London townhouses knocked together to make one vast pile. For while its decor is classic English and not at all flash, it contains a staff that would put Downton Abbey to shame. There are two full-time British housekeepers who wash, clean and keep the house in order. One, wearing a grey uniform complete with white apron, is purposefully wielding a mop and bucket.
They have live-in nannies and a live-in Bulgarian doctor, because Sergei has a heart problem. There are three nannies who work in rotation — English, French, and Russian — to enhance the children’s language skills. Each one lives with the family for a week before the next one takes over. There are also two drivers (his and hers) and Alexandra won’t say how many security staff they have. But I know that his security team are ex-military and I can also tell how many....
They have 8-10 cars to maintain and run in London, including a Rolls-Royce and Bentley, and two yachts in France.
Sergai Pugachev
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
The owner - part 1
Sergai Pugachev
Sergei Pugachev whose riches Forbes magazine estimated at more than 2 billion euros at the peak of his wealth – fled Russia after claiming hostile interests were trying to seize his businesses. In recent time he has given interviews critical of President Vladimir Putin and the Russian political system. He was an associate of the former president Boris Yeltsin, and later became close to Putin, with a portfolio of interests across construction, banking and shipbuilding. He was also a senator, but his fortunes changed in 2010 when his bank defaulted on its debts and lost its license.
Until recently he remained an elusive, media-shy figure. He was known for his Orthodox Christian views. In 2007 he took over Hédiard, investing 100 million euros in the business, but was bought out by Austrian company Do & Co in June 2014. And in 2009 he bought the newspaper "France Soir" daily for 100 million euros but the evening paper closed three years later.
The chateux - the second house in Nice
A historic chateau in the lush hills overlooking the bay at Nice — a grand, white, Belle Époque pile that looks like a wedding cake. Pugachev bought this beautiful, five (very large) bedroom place, set in 15 acres of lawn, bougainvillea and palm trees, back in the Nineties. There are only two or three other chateaux of that era on the Cote D’Azur still intact. Elton John owns another.
Yet all this luxury comes at an ongoing price. The mansion requires dozens of staff to maintain it, paint it, guard it, clean its pool, polish its antique furniture . . . not to mention feed and tend to the whims of the privileged people who inhabit it.
The budget for that house alone is 1.2 million euros a year (around 23,000 a week).
London
Meanwhile, the couple’s main residence, two London townhouses knocked together to make one vast pile. For while its decor is classic English and not at all flash, it contains a staff that would put Downton Abbey to shame. There are two full-time British housekeepers who wash, clean and keep the house in order. One, wearing a grey uniform complete with white apron, is purposefully wielding a mop and bucket.
They have live-in nannies and a live-in Bulgarian doctor, because Sergei has a heart problem. There are three nannies who work in rotation — English, French, and Russian — to enhance the children’s language skills. Each one lives with the family for a week before the next one takes over. There are also two drivers (his and hers) and Alexandra won’t say how many security staff they have. But I know that his security team are ex-military and I can also tell how many....
They have 8-10 cars to maintain and run in London, including a Rolls-Royce and Bentley, and two yachts in France.
Sergai Pugachev
#1158
12-19-2016, 08:02 AM
Monaco
French Riviera
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
The owner - part 2
The Monaco link
A personal source inside the Monaco Police told me that they have an own file on the Russian oligarch Sergai Pugachev. The file includes numerous notations citing links to the Russian Mafia.
The President of Monaco's Olympic Committee, Albert ll, is alleged by Robert Ellinger, his former intelligence adviser, to have accepted expensive gifts from Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister...... and from Pugachev, in return for voting for Russia to host the 2014 Winter Olympics. Prince Albert is alleged to have received a dacha, a Polar trip, a fishing trip and a state dinner. Let us hope it is not accurate, Prince Albert is a good guy.
As early as 2000, The Foreign Intelligence Service of the Russian Federation, the SVR determined that glamorous Monaco was strategically important to them as a base for running covert intelligence and financial operations that span the globe. And I can tell you, that they have been around since then.
Pugachev is alleged to have enquired about receiving an OFFICIAL Monaco residency. He has been around on the French Riviera for many years.....and living in Nice. Pugachev has a mother, sister and a around 20-year-old niece in Monaco whom he supports, paying for their accommodation, living expenses, school fees - the lot. He purchased a Monaco institution called Sam’s Place and transformed it into a Moscow-style bar and restaurant called Altovia to give his grown sons—Viktor and Alexandre, Monaco residents both—something useful to do. Later he bought them an exclusive car rental company: AAA Luxery and sports cars.
More coming, follow the story here....
Sergai Pugachev and Prince Albert
French Riviera
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
The owner - part 2
The Monaco link
A personal source inside the Monaco Police told me that they have an own file on the Russian oligarch Sergai Pugachev. The file includes numerous notations citing links to the Russian Mafia.
The President of Monaco's Olympic Committee, Albert ll, is alleged by Robert Ellinger, his former intelligence adviser, to have accepted expensive gifts from Vladimir Putin, the Russian Prime Minister...... and from Pugachev, in return for voting for Russia to host the 2014 Winter Olympics. Prince Albert is alleged to have received a dacha, a Polar trip, a fishing trip and a state dinner. Let us hope it is not accurate, Prince Albert is a good guy.
As early as 2000, The Foreign Intelligence Service of the Russian Federation, the SVR determined that glamorous Monaco was strategically important to them as a base for running covert intelligence and financial operations that span the globe. And I can tell you, that they have been around since then.
Pugachev is alleged to have enquired about receiving an OFFICIAL Monaco residency. He has been around on the French Riviera for many years.....and living in Nice. Pugachev has a mother, sister and a around 20-year-old niece in Monaco whom he supports, paying for their accommodation, living expenses, school fees - the lot. He purchased a Monaco institution called Sam’s Place and transformed it into a Moscow-style bar and restaurant called Altovia to give his grown sons—Viktor and Alexandre, Monaco residents both—something useful to do. Later he bought them an exclusive car rental company: AAA Luxery and sports cars.
More coming, follow the story here....
Sergai Pugachev and Prince Albert
Last edited by MONACO BODYGUARDS™; 12-19-2016 at 08:11 AM.
#1159
12-20-2016, 12:09 PM
Monaco
French Riviera
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
The owner - part 3
Star Limousine
So what did he do in the past? Is AAA Luxery and sports cars his first rental car on the French Riviera... the answer to that is "no". In 1999 he bought a limousine company in Monaco, Star Limousine. But because of his political activities and bankers, he could not front the company himself. At the same time, he founded a second company also called Star Limousines in Nice, located at 455 Promenade des Anglais, facing the Nice Côte d'Azur International Airport.
At the time the company had an impressive fleet of 20 Lincoln town cars and seven Lincoln Stretch limousines imported from of California. In addition the company had 15 Mercedes S Class and other luxury vans. Despite its enormous fleet and offices at 300 m2, Star Limousine had few employees and no turnover.....
In July 2000, Sergei Pugachev hires a professional luxury tourism graduate of HEC, Richard Tripodi. Pugachev entrusted him with the task of developing the company by hiring key personnel (managers, drivers and secretaries). In two years the annual turnover from nothing to millions. But something did not feel right and Mr Tripodi left Star Limousine in September 2002. Also abandoned by Sergei Pugachev, the company closes its doors after a few months. Sergei Pugachev was the subject of an investigation by the Directorate General of Customs because he was suspected of having undervalued the purchase price of his Lincolns and all other cars when importing. He was also sentenced to pay a fine of several hundred thousand euros.
It was a crazy story.....
Star Limousine
French Riviera
AAA Luxury & Sport Car Rental
The owner - part 3
Star Limousine
So what did he do in the past? Is AAA Luxery and sports cars his first rental car on the French Riviera... the answer to that is "no". In 1999 he bought a limousine company in Monaco, Star Limousine. But because of his political activities and bankers, he could not front the company himself. At the same time, he founded a second company also called Star Limousines in Nice, located at 455 Promenade des Anglais, facing the Nice Côte d'Azur International Airport.
At the time the company had an impressive fleet of 20 Lincoln town cars and seven Lincoln Stretch limousines imported from of California. In addition the company had 15 Mercedes S Class and other luxury vans. Despite its enormous fleet and offices at 300 m2, Star Limousine had few employees and no turnover.....
In July 2000, Sergei Pugachev hires a professional luxury tourism graduate of HEC, Richard Tripodi. Pugachev entrusted him with the task of developing the company by hiring key personnel (managers, drivers and secretaries). In two years the annual turnover from nothing to millions. But something did not feel right and Mr Tripodi left Star Limousine in September 2002. Also abandoned by Sergei Pugachev, the company closes its doors after a few months. Sergei Pugachev was the subject of an investigation by the Directorate General of Customs because he was suspected of having undervalued the purchase price of his Lincolns and all other cars when importing. He was also sentenced to pay a fine of several hundred thousand euros.
It was a crazy story.....
Star Limousine
#1160
01-09-2017, 10:48 AM
MB™ | guide to the French Riviera
Driving on the French Riviera
French drivers are some of the worst drivers in the world. After all France has one of the higher crash fatalities, with 3268 died in traffic, in the European Union. Here is your "key" tips on "how to drive like a French"
Courtesy
Remember: You own the road. You alone are the most important thing on wheels, so make sure to extend no courtesy to any other road users at all. Other drivers are nothing, and should be ignored. Take special care to discriminate against pedestrians and cyclists. If they are crossing the road, do not stop. If you can squeeze past them at a pedestrian crossing, then do so.
Speed
A vehicle is wasted if it isn’t going at top speed. Make sure to go faster than all other road users to show them how awesome you are at driving. Speed limits are merely a guide, and should only be observed when police are around. Otherwise, make sure to stay at least 20-30 km/hr above limit.
Overtaking
Overtaking is the least dangerous thing to do on the roads, and should be done whenever possible. Make sure to put everyone around you in danger when overtaking by passing on corners, at junctions, on the right-hand side of vehicles and in any other situation where you can play with people’s lives. There’s really no thrill like speeding towards someone on the wrong side of the road at top speed – it’s sure to give the other driver a laugh. They’ll love it.
Getting Stopped
Make sure you have a few banknotes in the car so that if you’re stopped you can “come to some sort of an agreement” with the officers involved. It’s not a bribe. Think of it as a small gesture of good-will. A “thank you Mr Officer for alerting me to my awesomeness” type of gift.
Using Your Horn
Your horn is to be used as much as possible. Take special care to use it when you see nervous or elderly drivers, since they really need to be alerted to your spectacular impatience. They’ll soon realise how much of a hurry you must be in and get right out of your way. Top tip: If someone hasn’t noticed a traffic signal turning green, you have only 2 seconds to use your horn, before it’ll be too late to let them know. When stopped behind other vehicles, have one hand resting on the horn, just in case you need to sound it quickly.
In The City
The streets in built-up areas and the center of Monaco, Nice, Cannes are the best place to drive fast and without care (especially near schools and crossings). That way, there are more pedestrians and cyclists to see you and your flashy car. Make sure to force cyclists onto the pavements in fear, so they can wave at you safely as you scream past.
Tram Rails
Tram rails were designed for cars to drive on them. Everyone knows that – make sure you’re using them to the fullest. If you see someone else using the tram lines to avoid cobbles, be sure to congratulate them on a job well done.
Parking
Everyone knows parking correctly in the right space is for losers. Double or trible parking is the standard on the French Riviera. Make sure people notice your awesome car by parking it diagonally half-on the pavement, or for extra “cool points” have it stick out into the street. Blocking traffic is awesome, and remember nobody can tell you where to park. Car park lines are just a guide for those stupid “conformists”, for the school boys .....and you are a boss.
Safety Belts
Astonishingly, French cars do indeed have safety belts. Nobody has ever used them though, so we don’t know if they work or not. You’re welcome to give one a shot, but make sure nobody sees you with it on – they’ll think you’re a sissy.
Indicators
Try – if possible – not to use your indicators – they will only let other people know your intentions, and if there’s one thing you don’t want people knowing, it’s where you’re going to be turning.
Alcohol
Everyone knows you can have 1 or 2 bottles French red vine or Champagne and still be fine to drive – the best advice here is to swerve wildly across multiple lanes – if you actively do it, it should counteract any drink-induced swerving, and keep you going in a perfectly straight line. Problem: solved.
Of course these helpful tips are all just guidelines – after all, you can pretty much do whatever you want on the French Riviera. It’s a veritable playground of death. It’s super-fun to try and create as many dangerous situations as possible, so remember folks – let’s keep it fast, and deadly..... NOT!
I hope you enjoyed it.
And here is your key....
Driving on the French Riviera
French drivers are some of the worst drivers in the world. After all France has one of the higher crash fatalities, with 3268 died in traffic, in the European Union. Here is your "key" tips on "how to drive like a French"
Courtesy
Remember: You own the road. You alone are the most important thing on wheels, so make sure to extend no courtesy to any other road users at all. Other drivers are nothing, and should be ignored. Take special care to discriminate against pedestrians and cyclists. If they are crossing the road, do not stop. If you can squeeze past them at a pedestrian crossing, then do so.
Speed
A vehicle is wasted if it isn’t going at top speed. Make sure to go faster than all other road users to show them how awesome you are at driving. Speed limits are merely a guide, and should only be observed when police are around. Otherwise, make sure to stay at least 20-30 km/hr above limit.
Overtaking
Overtaking is the least dangerous thing to do on the roads, and should be done whenever possible. Make sure to put everyone around you in danger when overtaking by passing on corners, at junctions, on the right-hand side of vehicles and in any other situation where you can play with people’s lives. There’s really no thrill like speeding towards someone on the wrong side of the road at top speed – it’s sure to give the other driver a laugh. They’ll love it.
Getting Stopped
Make sure you have a few banknotes in the car so that if you’re stopped you can “come to some sort of an agreement” with the officers involved. It’s not a bribe. Think of it as a small gesture of good-will. A “thank you Mr Officer for alerting me to my awesomeness” type of gift.
Using Your Horn
Your horn is to be used as much as possible. Take special care to use it when you see nervous or elderly drivers, since they really need to be alerted to your spectacular impatience. They’ll soon realise how much of a hurry you must be in and get right out of your way. Top tip: If someone hasn’t noticed a traffic signal turning green, you have only 2 seconds to use your horn, before it’ll be too late to let them know. When stopped behind other vehicles, have one hand resting on the horn, just in case you need to sound it quickly.
In The City
The streets in built-up areas and the center of Monaco, Nice, Cannes are the best place to drive fast and without care (especially near schools and crossings). That way, there are more pedestrians and cyclists to see you and your flashy car. Make sure to force cyclists onto the pavements in fear, so they can wave at you safely as you scream past.
Tram Rails
Tram rails were designed for cars to drive on them. Everyone knows that – make sure you’re using them to the fullest. If you see someone else using the tram lines to avoid cobbles, be sure to congratulate them on a job well done.
Parking
Everyone knows parking correctly in the right space is for losers. Double or trible parking is the standard on the French Riviera. Make sure people notice your awesome car by parking it diagonally half-on the pavement, or for extra “cool points” have it stick out into the street. Blocking traffic is awesome, and remember nobody can tell you where to park. Car park lines are just a guide for those stupid “conformists”, for the school boys .....and you are a boss.
Safety Belts
Astonishingly, French cars do indeed have safety belts. Nobody has ever used them though, so we don’t know if they work or not. You’re welcome to give one a shot, but make sure nobody sees you with it on – they’ll think you’re a sissy.
Indicators
Try – if possible – not to use your indicators – they will only let other people know your intentions, and if there’s one thing you don’t want people knowing, it’s where you’re going to be turning.
Alcohol
Everyone knows you can have 1 or 2 bottles French red vine or Champagne and still be fine to drive – the best advice here is to swerve wildly across multiple lanes – if you actively do it, it should counteract any drink-induced swerving, and keep you going in a perfectly straight line. Problem: solved.
Of course these helpful tips are all just guidelines – after all, you can pretty much do whatever you want on the French Riviera. It’s a veritable playground of death. It’s super-fun to try and create as many dangerous situations as possible, so remember folks – let’s keep it fast, and deadly..... NOT!
I hope you enjoyed it.
And here is your key....